“We shopped around to come up with the cash we need for the scoreboard project, and this is by far the best interest rate we could find,” said UK Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart.  “Not even the University of Kentucky Federal Credit Union could offer terms this generous,” he said.  “The best they could do was an 5.4% APR on a home equity loan.”

Barnhart said that he had first tried to ask UK Men’s Basketball Coach John Calipari for a personal loan, to come out of his $6 million dollar annual salary, but Calipari said that he would not make a loan with anything less than a 10% yield.

“We also explored the option of taking out some money with Check Into Cash,” said Barnhart.  “But their policy is to lend no more than $500 at a time, with an APR of 700%.”

To many faculty members, the decision by the Board of Trustees to lend the UKAA such a large sum of money is the final insult.

“This is the ultimate violation of the divide between college sports for entertainment and education,” said Ernie Yarinella, a member of the UK Faculty Senate.  Yarinella is circulating a petition to repeal the “loan.”

“One would think that some how, some way, the Athletics Association would be able to save a slice of their giant pie that is the television contract revenue and come up with the cash to make this improvement,” Yarinella said.  “Or, why can’t they just ask those old K Fund donors to step up to the plate?

In 2009, the Southeastern Conference signed a record $2.25 billion television contact with ESPN, which adds to the already-existing $825 million arrangement with CBS sports.

The money for the scoreboard upgrade will come from the University’s general fund, which will be enriched next year with a 6% tuition increase.

For the first time in The Colonel‘s history, I have lost the will to keep writing an article in the middle of writing it because this situation is so ridiculous that it cannot be satirized.

“I kept having to log in to one account, tweet something profound, log out, log in to another account and tweet something profound, and then come up with something profound again,” said Marrtin.  “By the time I release one profundity, I have a difficult time remembering which persona to access next before I log on to the next device.”

Eruelis Penn. Marrtin displays his Twitter free phones

Marrtin is somewhat of a Renaissance man who has many interests.  His proverbial irons are in many proverbial fires, so to speak.  A prodigal son, Marrtin has a personal twitter account, an account for his venture capital endeavor LouisaNomics, a “weekender” handle, a handle for his dealings in the online World of Warcraft community, and a fake handle to antagonize his other online identities.

“I liked to have multiple phones to keep all of this straight, but maintaining two smart phones became too much of a chore.  I have a Blackberry, and I have an Android,” said Marrtin.  “For some reason, the LouisaNomics tweets just felt better when they were done from the Blackberry.”

Marrtin's initial, futile attempts to cure his Twitter addiction via art therapy

Marrtin said he knew he had a problem when his wires got crossed.

“I started tweeting on the Warcraft account that the key to a top ten economy is top ten creative eyebrows,” said Marrtin.  “I think I may have alienated myself, but this is all one huge mistake.”

Marrtin is not alone in the proliferation of social media confusion.  According to a study by the Brookings Institute, 23.7 percent of Twitter users have more than one account that they operate on a regular basis.  Often these schizophrenic tweeters create multiple realities for themselves because they are unsatisfied, or unable to find employment, in their current reality.

“I really feel bad for him,” said famous tweeter Kim Kardashian, who only has one Twitter account.  “We need more central identities.”

Marrtin took to drawing his own iPhone, a coping mechanism suggested by his therapist.

Marrtin confessed that since he crumbled, he’s learned to manage his Twitter cravings by creating artistic works.

“When I first started, all I could do is draw things that reminded me of my Twitter feeds,” Marrtin said.  “But since then, I’ve been jotting down Chinese proverbs, drawing birds (that don’t look like the Twitter logo), and exploring with landscapes.”

“I hate to see the university part with $215,000, but this is certainly better than having a fundamentalist and tenured Yazidist on faculty,” said Michael S. Tick, Dean of the College.  “It’s in everyone’s best interests that we cut our losses and get out of this mess.” Tick indicated that several members of the UK administration wondered whether Ransfield’s arcane faith tradition would sully his role in leading a college that offered programs in humanistic disciplines like art and music.

Professor Mark Ransfield laughs all the way to the bank after settling a suit with the University of Kentucky for religious discrimination.

At the fore of the lawsuit was the suggestion that Ransfield’s religion was hostile toward the interpretative liberties and creativity valued by the arts.  Yazidism, a strange religion, purports that a seven-pronged holy deity is responsible for creating the earth.  The religion bears many traces to staunch secular scientific empiricism and stipulates that all knowledge is able to be ascertained and expressed by human research.  Each year, its estimated 425,000 followers worldwide make a pilgrimage to the Alter of Technology and Progress, where they present data in honor of the mysteries of the Gods.

“When the search committee named Ransfield as a finalist, we had seemed to overlook the fact that he is an unabashed Yazidist,” said a source close to the situation.  “We immediately saw a conflict of interests between the College of Fine Arts’ goal to inspire creativity, critical thinking, and appreciation of beauty.”

Ransfield had published controversial articles that downplayed the appreciation of music and art, and he advocated for total allegiance to empirical evidence.

Ransfield declined to speak with The Colonel.

“When the geography department approached me and asked about subcontracting its search for a Visiting Assistant Professor, I was a bit skeptical, said College of Arts & Sciences Dean Mark Kornbluh. “It didn’t make sense to me at first that we would spend a quarter-million dollars on a search for a two-year, non-tenure track position in which the employee would make $38,000 per year and teach a 4-4 load.  But then I realized how important it is that we get this search right and find the correct candidate, so I went ahead and approved the request,” said Kornbluh.

Department of Geography Chair Prof. Sue Roberts said that the decision to work with Greenwood/Asher & Associates would lighten their load significantly.

“The members of our search committee for this VAP position were getting bogged down in applications, CVs, and cover letters,” said Roberts.  “It became almost impossible to sift through the paperwork and decide on which candidate to hire.  Now our faculty can get back to stuff that matters, like their research.”

Independent consulting firms that specialize in academic hires have experienced rapid growth during the past decade.  Traditionally, firms like Greenwood/Asher & Associates were used to locate “big ticket” personnel, like Provosts, Presidents, Chairs, and Athletic Directors.  Earlier this year, the University of Michigan announced that they had spent almost $125,000 on a search for a new Athletic Director, the former CEO of Domino’s Pizza, Dave Brandon.  Nevertheless, Prof. Roberts indicated that for some reason, the Geography committee was having trouble pulling the trigger on this hire.

“There’s just a lot of qualified people out there. Every institution is idiosyncratic, and the privacy of the candidates in a search like this is a major issue,” said Roberts.

Greenwood/Asher & Associates has previously worked with UK.  The firm was hired by the Presidential Search Committee to find a replacement for Lee Todd, Jr.  It was, in fact, the same firm that hired Todd in 2001, and it appears that Greenwood/Asher & Associates hasn’t redesigned their website since then.

“I remember back when universities used to hire people themselves,” said UK Art History Professor Murray Castiglione.  “We used to talk with candidates, read their materials, and make an informed decision.”

Now, aspiring careerists in the academy fear that they will be exposed as they try to scale the corporate food chain that is higher education administration.  For instance, UK’s own Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart has denied reports that he is a candidate for the Kansas University Athletic Director position.

“I try to find candidates that would be a good fit for the institution that retains me,” said former University President and current CEO of SRP Consulting Susan Resneck Pierce.  “In other words, I do what the universities used to do themselves.”

The University of Kentucky Presidential Search Committee said that they signed on with Greenwood/Asher & Associates because of the firm’s innovative ideas for the future of university leadership in the United States.

“Eventually, we see this industry taking a radical course,” said Dr. Jan Greenwood, the firm’s CEO.  “Rather than hiring a full-time president, universities will contract out “presidential duties” to independent labor firms,” said Greenwood.  “Fundraiser speeches will demand a certain kind of talent, and we’ll have access to that.”

Roberts admitted that the Visiting Assistant Professor would serve a rather menial role in the university.

“She or he will probably teach 16 total classes, or 48 credit hours over the two years of employment.  Anyone can do that, really, but we just didn’t feel comfortable pulling off this search on our own.”

LEXINGTON—ProgressLex, a popular satirical organization, passed away without much notice at the end of September.  In the tradition of other satirists like Jonathan Swift, writers of The Onion, and the Republican Party, ProgressLex aimed to show the ridiculous side of local politics, often by valorizing unimportant concerns to show how our efforts are often misguided. The organization’s most popular ironic activist push was for an aesthetically pleasing CVS at the gateway to downtown Lexington.

“People often miss the point of real social justice being about the poor and under-represented and think, instead, about some sort of neoliberal agenda,” explained Graham Kohl, board member of ProgressLex. “Therefore, what we wanted to do is show what happens when you pay attention to trivial details.”

In a brilliant campaign, ProgressLex voiced concerns over the proposed CVS store’s architectural style. Thousands of Lexingtonians, unaware that they were part of a satirical plot, signed a petition in favor of a more aesthetically pleasing store.

“When we actually got the store we wanted, we were shocked. The power of our own voice scared us a little,” said Kohl.

By fall of 2010, the infant(ile) organization lost some steam.

“Being ironic is hard,” admitted Kohl. “With the election, water rate hikes, and the World Equestrian Games, and what have you, the opportunities for us to say something… anything, really… were too many. We couldn’t figure out where to latch onto something. We couldn’t find ways to be relevant.”

ProgressLex’s final hurrah came on September 20 with a hilarious guest post by local entertainer Derrick Patrick Farr, founder of the LeXenomics Group.

“The Colonel mourns the loss of a fellow satirical publication, but we’re also glad to be one last two left in Lexington.” Editor Jeremiah Stone said. “It’s sad to see ProgressLex go, but LeXenomics still does some pretty funny work.”

LeXenomics aims to make Lexington a Top-10 Global Economy by attracting a Cheesecake Factory to the city.

“For over a decade,” Farr explained, “the city of Buffalo chained its future hopes for economic revival to luring a Bass Pro store to the city. We can learn a lot from them. They were so close.”

Buffalo, NY courted the outdoor apparel and weaponry retailer as the cornerstone of its downtown, waterfront redevelopment program.  Hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars were allocated to sweeten the pot for Bass Pro, but in April 2010, the retailer reneged, citing a dwindling population and cold winters as a determining factor.

Nevertheless, Farr believes that Lexington can succeed where Buffalo has failed by outsourcing economic redevelopment to greedy retail corporations.

“Perseverance pays off. Only big dreams are important. Don’t be limited by reality. Let the Cheesecake Factory be our Moon Landing,” Farr added.

“This news comes an a particularly inopportune time,” said Head Coach Joker Phillips.  “All season long, I’ve been telling my men that no matter how bad things get, no matter how many yards we give up, we’ve still got Vanderbilt as an easy conference win on our November schedule.  So much for that.”

With the “loss,” UK must win its final game of the season against the University of Tennessee to maintain bowl eligibility for a record 4th straight season.

IMG, which manages UK’s brand image, facilities, licensing agreements, and plans to build a new Rupp Arena, suggested that the UK-Vanderbilt game would have been a conflict of interests.

“Vanderbilt is a private institution that tolerates athletic mediocrity at the expense of scholastic excellence, said Shea Guinn, SVP and Managing Director at IMG.  “In the past decade, they’ve registered a losing record in every major sport, yet they’ve routinely honored Fulbright scholars and ranked in the top 15 for undergraduate education.  We don’t want UK to play football with academic nerds.  It hurts our brand image.”

UK students and season ticket holders were saddened by the cancellation, but many said they would come and tailgate anyway.

“Win or lose, we’re here for the booze,” said Jackson Terrance, a first-year student in the College of Law.

This is not the first time IMG has flexed its proverbial muscles over jurisdiction of Commonwealth Stadium.  In October, IMG notified Kentucky Kernel reporters that they could not hand out copies of its newspaper on stadium grounds, despite the fact that the stadium is owned by the University of Kentucky.

Lame Duck President Lee Todd, Jr. could not be reached for comment.

However, any connection between the resignation and UK’s impending basketball sanctions were downplayed.  Todd said in an e-mail that he was growing tired of his job and that the decision to retire was a difficult one.

“10 years is a long time to serve in a position that really is 24/7. So this is the right decision at the right moment,” Todd wrote in an e mail.

“This is no hyperbole,” said University Trustee Joe Miles, who tried his damnedest to make Todd reconsider.  “I really did see his light on no matter what time of the day or night.  He really did work 24 hours per day, seven days per week, and after ten years, he’s just tired.”

Lame duck President Lee Todd grimaces as UK approves the hiring of John Calipari. "That definitely went against my better judgment," Todd said in a Wednesday afternoon press conference.

Todd leaves behind an institution in shambles.  Strung along by the empty promise of Top Twenty status and hung out to dry by budget cuts and top-heavy administrative overhead, the University of Kentucky is reeling.  After ten years under Todd’s leadership, the university remains at best a bottom-feeding diploma mill that is comparable to the satellite campuses of nearby states, like UNC Greensboro or UT Martin.

“Good riddance to that asshole,” said Wershawn Hung, a newly-hired professor of English Literature at UK.  “Bad leadership begins at the top, and from what I hear, this guy did anything but lead by example.”

Todd joins a growing contingent of Presidents at aspiring Top 20 research institutions who have lost their resolve in the wake of state legislatures who pinch pennies.  Two weeks ago, SUNY  Buffalo President John B. Simpson announced his intention to retire after less than a decade on the job.

“While my retirement plans are motivated by a personal desire to be closer to family, I would be disingenuous if I did not also note that this difficult decision has been made somewhat easier by Albany’s failure to give UB and SUNY the policy tools and stable support needed to fully achieve this university’s great potential,” said Simpson.   “UB’s promise, and its potential to transform this community, have been threatened severely by repeated budget cuts and, most recently, by the latest setbacks from Albany.”

Todd also feels bad about the budget constraints and admitted that he couldn’t live with the hypocrisy of drawing a salary with bonuses while freezing employee pay.

“It’s no secret that I’ve been frustrated with the economic and budget conditions that surround the University,” Todd said in his e mail to the university community.

Todd’s Top Twenty Business Plan, a veritable relic of overblown corporate psychobabble cum marketing strategy, is an abject failure.

“Surely, the document will go down with ‘See Blue’ and all that other garbage as a signifier of Todd’s arrogance,” said Hung.

Also a failure is Todd’s ongoing attempt to “clean up” the university’s independently-owned and operated Athletics Department.

“When he got here in 2001, the football team was on probation for various violation, and now the basketball program awaits the same fate,” said Merlin Asmann, a Mechanical Engineering major at UK.  “I find it convenient that Todd announces his decision just as we’re in the process of getting nailed for Enes Kanter.”

Asmann referenced the impending sanctions UK will face for recruiting Kanter, who was paid to play professional basketball in Turkey.

UK has enjoyed one of the great basketball seasons on record.  John Wall has consistently bailed out the team with stellar defense and a great ability to drive to the hoop.  However, Lexington fans shouldn’t get too upset when the team loses in the tournament. It’s just not worth it.  UK has proven itself to be susceptible to an upset all season long. They can’t shoot from three-point range, and they just don’t seem to have the heart and maturity it takes to win against elite competition.

Don’t get us wrong. We think it would be great if UK were to win the tournament, but it’s just not going to happen. So don’t get mad now. We don’t need ten more years of brooding over this season, another deposed coach, and another beleaguered fan base like the one we saw after the 1992 Duke loss.

The fact still remains that no matter what happens in the tourney, Lexington and the University of Kentucky will still face significant problems. We live in a state with pervasive coal mining, which destroys our natural and social fabric. We attend a university that continues to short-change its students with ill-conceived curriculum and misappropriated funding.  And we, most importantly, live in a state that could potentially elect Trey Greyson as our State Senator.

So the moral of the story? Don’t get too emotionally invested in the Cats.  Channel that passion and allegiance to Big Blue Nation and redirect it to addressing the systemic evil that happens right under our noses every day.

If we don’t, we’ll just set ourselves up for another dissatisfied off-season, in which we continue to chase basketball success.

“I can’t help but to notice a striking resemblance between all of my students,” Mrs. Windstrom said.  “It’s as if they all come from the same gene pool.”

Mrs. Windstrom’s class gained national attention earlier this week when an angry parent suggested that every student may have been sired by the former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.  The parent speculated that any illegitimate children belonging to the Clinton legacy may have been conceived while the President lived and worked in Washington.

“We all know about Clinton’s legendary exploits during the mid-late 1990s.  It’s quite possible that there are many other miniature Bill Clintons running around out there,” said a parent of Beltway Elementary School who did not wish to be identified for obvious reasons.

Mrs. Windstrom's fifth grade class at Beltway Elementary School, 2009.

Clinton tarnished his reputation when he was impeached in 1999 after having lied under oath and denied having a sexual relationship with White House Intern Monica Lewinsky.

“I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky,” Clinton famously said.

Now, it would seem that if the Clinton-Lewinsky tryst never fully materialized, there’s at least a classroom’s worth of other relationships that did consummate more prolifically.

President Clinton’s wife and current Secretary of the State Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.

According to documents that surfaced after a janitorial staff member at the Indianapolis Marriott Hotel foraged through lobby trash cans, Paxton was to be summoned by collegiate officials because he was suspected as a student sympathetic toward “Canadian ideology,” in the memo’s parlance.  The janitor, who was not identified by the Marriott Hotel, turned his find over to the Associated press.

“Of course I’m sympathetic to Canadian ideology, or whatever that means,” said Paxton, who hails from Ladner, British Columbia.

Paxton found himself in an adversarial relationship with the University of Kentucky when the NCAA demanded to interview him.  Paxton refused, saying that he wouldn’t speak with the NCAA unless UK Athletics Department officials revealed to him why he was being questioned.  UK in turn refused to tell Paxton why he was being questioned by NCAA officials and threatened to remove him from the baseball team.

University of Kentucky senior James Paxton was to be censured by the NCAA for being a Canadian. "Socialism anywhere is a threat to free markets anywhere," NCAA officials said.

“After a regrettable and protracted process of dickering around with Paxton, we’re saddened to learn that all of this is about his national allegiance and proclivity to act like a Canadian,” said UK Athletics Director Mitch Barnhart Friday, after the Marriott documents had surfaced.  “Paxton just doesn’t get that we’re the boss.  He should have listened.”

The Indianapolis leak may be the biggest gaffe in NCAA history.  Evidently, a team of careless investigators from the agent, gambling, and amateurism committee had planned to censure Paxton because he was Canadian.

“Let’s make a list of things we hate about Canadians:  their accent, socialism, awkwardness, fashion, and irrational fixation on hockey,” said Chance Miller, who refused to budge after the xenophobic memo was released.  “Why UK couldn’t be forthright with Paxton is a matter I just can’t reconcile.”

Barnhart and UK Spokesperson Dewayne Peaved admitted that they were a little gun shy when the NCAA investigators came knocking, and so they may have been wrong in refusing to tell Paxton why he was in trouble.

“Being Canadian may have cost him his scholarship, but it’s a minor infraction that wouldn’t have put the program in jeopardy,” Barnhart said.  “Nevertheless, the obstinate young Canuck should have just listened to us and done what he was told.  Now he’s in for the fight of his life.

Paxton’s baseball career is in limbo until this legal fiasco gets worked out.

“Canadians aren’t dirty people,” Paxton said.  “I just want to be vindicated.”  Paxton hopes to continue playing with UK this season.